Dexter's Memorial Bench

Instill values, and save another family from grief


(Published August 31, 2003, The News Tribune, Tacoma, Washington)

Five years ago, I received a phone call that shattered my family's peaceful existence. My son Dexter had been shot by a car thief on a lonely strip of road off Wilton Road and Sixth Avenue, leading to the Tacoma Outboard Association dock at Titlow Park.

I was the first of my family to reach Madigan Army Medical Center, but it was already too late. My son was brain-dead, with a bullet wound to his head that the doctors described as "unsurvivable." Dexter was gone, just like that.

In the days and weeks that followed, we found ourselves drawn to the spot where he had been shot. Friends and family members brought flowers, pictures, cards and things that Dexter had loved: his favorite cologne, car magazines, caramel Frappucinos.

Before long, a makeshift memorial grew on the side of the road. It was a lonely, miserable bit of ground that got churned and muddy when it rained, but to my family it was a sacred spot. This was where our son had spent his last conscious moments in life, fighting for what was his, scared, helpless and alone. The thought that we were literally not there for him when he needed us most was intolerable.

In time, and with the help of friends, we put up a park bench where the makeshift memorial had been. It's a simple wooden bench with a brass plaque bearing Dexter's name and picture, and the dates of his birth and death. We built a frame on the ground around it and filled it with small stones, and then added two huge planters with flowering plants on either side of the bench.

It sits in a quiet, shady, well-lit spot where people can rest on their way to and from the park and the dock. In creating this beautiful oasis, we hoped to turn our family's tragedy into something meaningful and useful to the community. Dexter would have liked that.

In one of his News Tribune columns last year, Federico Cruz wrote about Dexter's bench. He described it as a "small wonder of the world on the west side of Tacoma ... a place for renewal and serenity," representing a "humble remembrance of family love, epitomizing the real values of our community." Those are noble and inspiring words, and for the most part, true.

My husband and I go to the bench every day to reconnect with our son. We also pick up trash, wipe the bench clean and rake the leaves and stones. We groom and water the plants, changing the variety and color with the flow and ebb of the seasons. With each visit, we renew our vow to keep our son's memory alive, not only in our hearts and minds but also in our daily lives.

In the years, we have come to know a lot of the "regulars" who visit the park - kind, neighborly, compassionate and caring people who appreciate what the bench stands for and the care we put into making it a beautiful place for the community. Strangers sit on the bench or bring a book to read. Parents sit and watch their children play nearby.

But along with these wonderful people, there are also those who come to vandalize and trash. People leave wrappers, cigarette butts, broken beer bottles and unmentionable souvenirs of late-night trysts. Flowers are picked or uprooted and the petals strewn and crushed on the ground. The planters have been smashed, the wooden bench gouged and plants routinely stolen.

In the beginning we were outraged and incredulous. How could anyone desecrate and trash what is obviously a memorial for a loved one? But over the years, we have come to almost accept that there are those who think vandalizing, trashing or stealing someone else's property is no big deal. Even fun, no doubt.

But surely this kind of apathy is just as wrong. We shouldn't allow ourselves to be anesthetized to the point where we start to think that this kind of behavior is acceptable for some people. We shouldn't just shrug our shoulders and say, "Kids will be kids," or, "Well, what else can you expect from people like that?"

We should be responsible adults instilling the right values in our children. Values such as integrity, respect for other people and their rights, respect for life. It is wrong to uproot someone else's flowers. It is wrong to trash another's property. It is wrong to steal.

Big crimes start from little ones. And who knows, perhaps one day, one adult teaching these values to a child would help prevent someone else's son from being murdered as mine was.

(Belma Villa of Tacoma writes once a month as a guest columnist for the Perspectives page.)